


give me something to believe

by ariquitecontrary



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x03 Aftermath, Buck Just Needs His Eddie, Light Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-14 22:03:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariquitecontrary/pseuds/ariquitecontrary
Summary: Buck's having a hard time moving on from the events at the pier. There's really only one person he wants to talk to.





	give me something to believe

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Buddie fic and I know there's so many 3x03 fics, but this is my little take on it. I hope that at least one person likes it. <3

Buck can’t sleep. He can’t really close his eyes for too long either, if he’s being honest. He closes them and all he can see is water; water rising up higher and higher until it almost seems to touch the sky. He closes his eyes and he hears the screams of panicked people. He hears _his_ screams. He can still feel the way his heart had been beating rapidly against his chest. He can remember the way Christopher had felt in his arms as he ran down the pier. The boy hadn’t even seemed scared; he’d had complete faith that he would be safe and Buck wondered what that was like. Because he hadn’t felt like that at all. He still doesn’t. He closes his eyes and he feels like he’s drowning under the harsh waves all over again. He takes a deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. In. He holds it. Out. 

He turns and looks at the clock by his bedside table. It’s barely three in the morning. He doesn’t know when the last time he got decent sleep was. He thinks he might have taken an hour nap yesterday, or maybe that was the day before. It’s getting harder and harder to tell. He sits up from his bed and kicks his legs over the side. He doesn’t move. He just sits there for a minute and tries to talk himself out of whatever the hell he's feeling. 

He’s exhausted. He’s so fucking tired and he wants to cry, but he doesn’t. Or maybe he already is. His eyes are bloodshot and red rimmed and he doesn’t know if it’s from how tired he is or if it’s because he _can’t stop crying_. He doesn’t want to stop and think about it. 

So he gets up and goes downstairs to make himself a cup of coffee that he won’t drink. It’s not like he needs it. Trying to stay awake isn’t one of the problems he has right now. 

.

.

.

“You don’t look so good.” 

Buck smiles softly, but even he can tell that it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. Not like that’s saying much these days. “Gee, Maddie. You really know how to sweet talk a guy.” 

“I’m serious, Buck.” And he can very much tell that she’s serious. “When’s the last time you slept? Have you eaten anything? You look horrible.” 

He sighs and runs a hand over his face. He knew she would worry and ask questions, but he’d been hoping that it wouldn’t be as soon as he stepped foot into her house. 

He’s been hiding out at his place ever since the tsunami. The only interaction he’s had with anyone else had been when Eddie dropped off Christopher and told Buck that he trusted him _more than anyone else in the world_. Buck replays the words over and over again in his head. He paints a picture of the way Eddie had looked at him, all sincere and soft eyed, and stores it away in his memory to look at when his thoughts start to get bad. But it’s getting harder and harder to remember if his eyes had been soft because he meant what he said, or because he couldn’t believe he was looking at the guy who lost his son. 

Buck pulls his hand away from his face and clears his throat. 

“I’m fine, Maddie, really. I’m just trying to move on from that day.” 

“We all are.” She reaches out to place her hand over his. Once upon a time that would have calmed him immediately. It does very little to ease his mind now. “But you don’t have to go through this alone, Buck. We’re all so worried about you.” 

She doesn’t need to specify who she’s talking about. He hasn’t reached out to anyone from the 118 since he got home. It’s not because he doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want their pity and he knows that as soon as they see him, they’ll all look at him with those damn sad eyes that make him feel like doing something stupid, like crying. Again. 

He does what he knows she wants him to do and smiles at her, this time with more emotion. He forces himself to look alive for her. The last thing he needs is to be worrying Maddie; she’s worried enough in her life and he doesn’t need to add to that. 

He flips their hands over and squeezes hers lightly before letting go. 

“I’m working on it,” he lies. “I’m gonna be okay.” 

It sounds like a lie even to him. 

.

.

.

That Saturday, there’s a knock on his door at five in the evening. He looks around in confusion from where he’s sitting on the couch, as if his apartment will somehow give him some answers as to who could be here. Maddie’s working and his friends would usually message him first if they were thinking about dropping by. The only one who would just drop by without warning is… 

“Buck, open up!” Eddie’s loud voice travels. “I know you’re in there. I’ll break down this door.” 

Against his will, his lips turn up into a smile; the first actual smile he’s given since the tsunami. He absolutely believes that Eddie would break his door down, so he gets up from the couch and lets him in. 

He expects for Eddie to make some kind of joke or to poke fun about how Buck needs a shower, which he kind of does now that he thinks about it. He takes a step back from Eddie at that realization. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Eddie doesn’t answer him. He looks around the apartment and Buck knows what he’s looking at. There’s takeout everywhere; on the coffee table in the living room, on his kitchen counters, on his table, and, if Eddie were to look up, by the foot of his bed. Most of them are still completely full. He hasn’t really cleaned up in a while and he suddenly wishes that he had just acted like he wasn’t home. That beats this embarrassment. 

“Buck,” Eddie says, way too fucking softly, “are you okay?” 

The words are on the tip of his tongue. They’re the same words that he’s been telling Maddie. The same words that he’s been telling himself whenever he stands in front of his mirror at two in the morning with red eyes and flushed cheeks. The same words that he repeats to himself like a mantra in the hopes that eventually they’ll just be the truth. 

_I’m fine_, he thinks. 

“No,” he admits and his voice breaks. “I’m not.” 

Strong arms wrap around him immediately and it’s not until his face is pressed into Eddie’s neck that he realizes that he’s crying. Had he been crying before Eddie hugged him? Is that _why_ he hugged him? Or was he only crying now _because_ of the hug? Did it even really matter? 

“Talk to me,” Eddie practically begs,. “Let me help you.” 

Buck sniffs and pulls away from Eddie, but the other man keeps a firm grasp on his elbows, like he’s scared of what could happen if he lets go. Buck’s a little scared of that too. 

“I can still see all the water,” he says, voice hoarse. “I can… feel my chest burning from being underneath for so long. I didn’t- I didn’t know if I would be able to reach the surface. And then I did and…” his voice trails off. And then what? What does he say? _And then I lost your son? And then I nearly destroyed everything good in my life because I was too incompetent?_ “It’s not even the tsunami, not really. I could get over that, I know that I could. I helped people that day. I did my job.” Or at least, what used to be his job. “To those people, I’m probably a hero, but I wasn’t there for Christopher. He was the one person I needed to protect and I didn’t.” He chokes on a sob and tries to pull away from Eddie, but he can’t. His grip is way too tight. He’s looking at Buck in shock, but there’s also something else there. “And it doesn’t matter that he’s okay, because I _still lost him_. He needed me and I wasn’t there. And I can’t let go of that feeling.” 

“Buck… I told you, I--.” 

“I know!” Buck yells out, not angrily, but more exasperated. “I know that you told me you trust me and that everything’s okay, but it’s not. It’s not okay, Eddie. I love him, I love Christopher, and I almost got him killed. People are calling me a hero, but I couldn’t even save one of the most important people in my life. I’m not a hero; I never was.” 

“Hey,” Eddie says. When Buck tries to struggle against his hold, he speaks up louder. “Hey! Stop, _stop_. Listen to me, Evan.” The stern use of his first name has him going completely limp as he stares at his best friend through blurry eyes. “Christopher is alive because of you, don’t you realize that? You saved his life. It was a tsunami, Buck, okay? It wasn’t _you_. Most people would have panicked or given up, but you never did. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.” Eddie reaches up and places his hand against Buck’s cheek gently. He leans into the touch and lets his eyes flutter shut as Eddie dries away his tears. “I’m happy that he was with you.” 

Eddie’s telling the truth, Buck knows that he is. It doesn’t stop him from saying: “You should hate me. _Hate me_.” 

Eddie’s eyes widen in shock and the face he makes after that is one that Buck will never forget. He completely crumbles and there’s a certain sadness that he’s wearing now, that hadn’t been there just seconds before. And Buck thinks _okay, this is it. This is where he finally realizes that he’s been leaving his son with someone that cannot be trusted. This is where he fully grasps that his best friend nearly killed the one person he loves more than anything in this world. This is where Eddie looks at him and tells him that he wants him out of his life for good._

Eddie’s hand falls from his cheek and Buck closes his eyes tightly. They burn so much and he’s so fucking tired of crying, but he can feel the tears slide down his cheeks still. Is he ever going to stop? How does he stop? He wishes he had just shut up and let Eddie forgive him. He wishes that he’d been able to do that. 

He’s waiting for Eddie to push him away; he’s preparing for the pain that will come from it. He’s completely taken aback when Eddie, once again, wraps his arms around him and bring him closer to his chest. The hug is tighter this time and Buck can almost feel Eddie’s heart beating against his own. 

“I could never hate you, Buck,” he says with such a force that it’s the first time Buck’s believed it. “You hear me? Stop trying to push me away and just let me be here for you.” 

“I don’t know how to let go of this. I don’t know how to move on. I’m trying.” 

“I know you are,” Eddie soothes. “I know, okay? I’m gonna help you. It’s going to be okay.” 

And as Buck rests against Eddie, who’s gently rubbing a hand up and down his back, he finds that for the first time since the pier, he believes those words. And oh, what a feeling that is. 

.

.

.

His eyes flutter open against the bright Los Angeles sun. It takes him a few moments to remember the events of yesterday. He remembers having a complete breakdown in front of Eddie, which should have been embarrassing but somehow wasn’t. He moves a little, maybe to get out of his bed, but then he realizes that he’s very much not on his bed and he’s also not alone. 

He’s on his couch with Eddie. He’s laying slightly on top of the other man whose his arms are locked around Buck in a tight grip even though he’s still fast asleep. He stays completely still, finding that he doesn’t want to move and chance waking him up. So he does what any logical human would do and rests his head right on the space between Eddie’s chest and where his arm is resting. It’s a comfortable little spot and Buck closes his eyes and allows himself to have this one simple pleasure before reality dawns on them both. 

Eddie wakes up an hour later. He shifts and then moans when he stretches and Buck tries to ignore the way that sound makes him feel. 

“Hey,” he greets instead and moves to give Eddie some space. “You spent the night.” 

“Yeah.” Eddie’s voice is still laced with sleep and Buck finds himself slightly intrigued by a new side of his friend that he’s never seen before. “Christopher’s at my abuela’s for the weekend, so no one missed me.”

Buck smiles at that. “What time is it?” He doesn’t know where his phone is and he’s way too lazy to get up and look for it. 

Eddie fumbles around with his pockets before pulling out his phone. “Just a little after nine.” 

_Nine?_ Buck remembers them falling asleep sometime near midnight. They’d been watching a movie as they talked about everything; about how Buck was really feeling and about how he was struggling with moving past the events that had happened. Eddie had listened to him and talked him through everything. And for the first time, Buck had believed him when he said that he didn’t blame him for anything. He believed him when Eddie whispered that he was so happy that both he and Christopher had Buck in their lives. He believed him when he said that he would never dream of pushing Buck out of his life. Apparently that was all Buck needed to hear, because… 

“That’s the first time I’ve slept for longer than two hours since everything happened,” he says with a smile. “Thank you.” 

“Why are you thanking me? I didn’t do anything.” 

“You did, even if you don’t think that you did. You didn’t have to stay here.” But God, he’s glad that he did. 

“I know,” Eddie says as he angles his body to face Buck better. “But I wanted to.” 

“Well, I’m glad that you did.” 

He can only imagine how the two of them must look right now; sitting on Buck’s couch and smiling at each other like two love sick fools. He can’t help but wish that statement was more factual than metaphorical, but he’s happy with what he has. He’s happy just having Eddie in his life as a friend, or that’s what he tells himself at least, because it’s better than nothing and for a while he thought that’s how it would all end. He’d been preparing for a life without Eddie, and Christopher, in it. The relief and happiness that he feels at knowing he’d been wrong is like nothing he’d ever felt before. 

“What are you doing today?” Eddie asks suddenly. “Christopher and I were going to go see a movie. Do you want to come with us?” 

Buck’s heart jumps at the invitation to spend time with his two favorite boys. “You’re sure you don’t mind me going?” 

“I invited you, didn’t I?” He asks with a smile before, much to Buck’s surprise, reaching out to hold Buck’s hand in his own. “I want you to come with us and I know that Christopher would love to see you. He asks about you literally every single day.” 

“I’m his favorite.” 

“His and mine both.” 

Buck smiles and shakes his head with a laugh. “Okay, what are we seeing?” 

.

.

.

Christopher is in the middle of Buck and Eddie and singing happily as they walk out of the theatre. 

“They’re creepy and they’re kooky!” 

“Mysterious and spooky,” Eddie follows happily. 

“They’re all together ooky,” Buck sings out. 

“The Addams Family,” they sing together. 

“Dun na na na!” Christopher finishes off. “We sound good.” 

“Yeah, we do,” Buck agrees. “We should start our own band, huh?” 

“Yes.” Christopher smiles and glances up at him. “The Diaz family!” 

Buck’s mouth falls open a little before he glances over at Eddie, who’s looking at him a little sheepishly. 

“Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” Eddie says as he keeps his eyes on Buck. 

He can’t possibly mean it, can he? He’s just indulging his son, right? There’s no way… but he’s looking at Buck like he _does_ mean it, and there’s a shy smile on his face like he’s trying to tell Buck that it’s okay if he disagrees. _Yeah, right_. 

“I think so too,” he says and he watches as the shy smile on Eddie’s face grows into a full on grin. 

“Really?” 

Buck nods. “Yeah.” 

“Yay,” Chris drags out happily and Buck finds himself grinning along with them. 

_Everything is going to be okay_, Buck thinks to himself and as Eddie reaches out to squeeze his hand gently, Buck finally knows it’s the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if you liked it! i'm nervous to post this because there are so many talented writers in this fandom. 
> 
> if you wanna follow me on tumblr, you can find me @ joaquin-desantos   
lets talk about this great show and amazing pairing <3


End file.
